Stress, coping and medical procedures

Stressresponses arise when exposures to adverse life experiences outstrip protective psychosocial resources, leading to a failure of coping and adaptation – Lazarus RS. Stress and Emotion: A New Synthesis, 1st ed. London: Free Association Books; 1999

from Psychosomatic Medicine – Socioeconomic Status Differences in Coping With a Stressful Medical Procedure

Some links on self-esteem

Your esteemed self (this one is really good)

Book Review: Shame & Guilt

Letting the steam out of self-esteem

Self-value (about financial abundance and the ego)

Self-worth (lots about God)

Self-esteem at Wikipedia

Lessons for living: self-esteem

Health and goodness: self-worth

Toxic-shame and low self-esteem

What is the essence of self-worth? (California State Univerisity, excerpt from ‘You can choose to be happy’) (see also this link)

Positive discipline (parenting to encourage self-worth)

Don’t reason with manipulators

• You cannot out-manipulate a skilled manipulator, so don’t even try.
• It’s useless to ask a manipulator why he or she is acting a particular way, because you won’t get an honest answer. Manipulators will deflect or disguise their motives and avidly deny being a manipulator. But take comfort in this: However how hard they try to convince you otherwise, you are not wrong for perceiving that you’re being manipulated.
• You can’t change a manipulator by pointing out that his or her approach is one-sided.
• Most manipulators are incapable of empathy. Therefore, trying to get them to understand your point of view is pretty much a waste of time.

- An abbreviated list from work of the late Harriet Braiker, author of “Who’s Pulling Your Strings”, from “Stand your ground with manipulators” at management-issues.com

This is encouraging to read, because I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to reason with manipulators; for example being invited to justify my choices, feelings or identity which is in reality an invitation to engage in being persuaded I am wrong.

Here’s some more, from “How To Spot a Manipulator” at ehow.com:

1. Explore your feelings. Think about how you feel after spending time with the people in your life. Perhaps dealing with someone close to you regularly leaves you feeling exhausted, depressed, fearful, lonely, guilty or worthless. If so, chances are that you have spotted a manipulator.
2. Spot manipulative tools. Manipulative behavior is by definition controlling and self-serving. Although some manipulators can be physically abusive, the real control usually is psychological. Manipulators have methods to delve deep inside your head and heart. They then push your buttons so that they can bend you to their will. Manipulators often use guilt or feign helplessness to persuade you to something for them. They may blame you unfairly, mock you or put you down. He or she may also demonstrate behavior that seems on the surface more positive, like using flattery and charm and professing love and caring.
3. See whether the manipulator alternates between flattery and affection and anger depending on whether you are accommodating his requests. The display of anger may be intimidating or passive-aggressive.
4. Determine whether the person uses your relationship with him to persuade you to do or not do things. Manipulators often make requests or demands by playing on your affections and your guilt. Spot manipulative comments like “If you loved me, you would (or wouldn’t) do this” or the converse: “Since you insist on doing this, I can no longer love or trust you.” There are no gray areas with manipulators. If you don’t perform as they wish, there is something lacking in you.
5. Analyze the reasoning the manipulator uses to get what he or she wants from you. Manipulators usually rely on irrational, emotional means of persuasion rather than logic to get their way.
6. Notice how the person acts when you change the way you respond to the manipulative behavior. Argue back, with logic. Do not humor the manipulator. Take your time answering and responding. Don’t take the bait. Be alert and prepared for changes in tactics, since the manipulator is highly invested in control and will try different strategies.

Seventy-Eight Behaviours for Managers and Leaders

This morning a colleague invited me to fill in one of these anonymous 360-degree feedback forms. Being so acutely aware of my own “development points” I never really feel qualified to feed back on other’s professional behaviours, but people seem to keep asking me! While ticking the little boxes I had to work at staying focused, instead of becoming self-conscious of my own imperfections brought to mind by the questionnaire!

Even though my aim is to “downshift” and escape the corporate environment (often one of the most challenging environments in which to develop these behaviours) I will always have to be able to collaborate effectively, and will always want to behave in a way that is constructive and respectful of those around me. It still struck me that the list is a pretty thorough and proven memory aid for achieving that. Here is the list:

Mind Over Cancer

by Michelle Hancock

Not a day goes by that the word “cancer” doesn’t scare thousands of Canadians. Like a dreaded scourge, it hovers over us, presumably just waiting to claim its next victim.

But according to scientists in the growing field of mind/body medicine, the disease is not as much an external force as you might believe. Fear and anxiety–our thoughts and feelings–can impact our health just as much as a long list of cancer risk factors. “Psychoneuroimmunology”’ is the scientific term to describe the study of the mind/body connection. Carl Simonton, MD, is an oncologist who pioneered research in this discipline as early as the 1970s. His book, Getting Well Again (Bantam, 1978), shows how “an individual’s reaction to stress and other emotional factors can contribute to the onset and progress of cancer [while] positive expectations, self-awareness and self-care can ontribute to survival.”